


In The Middle Of My Chaos (There Was You)

by divinelydecreed



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, but i cant blame her, chaeyoung's a softie, joy may seem like a bitch but i swear she's really not, maybe she's also a bitch too, the girl has a tough past but neways, wendy loves joy but joy's afraid, wendy's too in love with joy rip, wenjoy dumb with their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:28:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23649217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divinelydecreed/pseuds/divinelydecreed
Summary: joy is that girl you'd unexpectedly get home to one summer, when you wanted to get away from the loud and busy life in the metropolis. she'll make you experience bliss and will let you forget about every dystopia. but in the end, she's bound to break your heart too.what wendy doesn't get is why does she have to fall for someone like her.
Relationships: Park Sooyoung | Joy/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 12
Kudos: 55





	In The Middle Of My Chaos (There Was You)

**Author's Note:**

> got lazy to proofread hehehe

wendy comes back to gyeonggi-do again.

it's been a while since she came back and the feeling of nostalgia still embraces her.

she went to the usual cafe she always goes to back then, when she used to live here. she sits on the empty booth near the glass window, patiently waiting for her order. her camera hanging idly on her neck, wendy's prepared to capture a sight that entices her eyes that she would want to keep forever.

the serenity of the cafe makes her feel secure and pleased. the cafe is warm, its interior design is minimal but pleasing to the eyes, and wendy couldn't help but revel in the aroma of coffee beans that encompass the place. it's just a month before winter and she was never really a fan of the cold, and a cup of hot chocolate in her favorite place doesn't sound too bad.

she immediately opened her camera, wanting to always remember and keep the feeling this place continues to give her. she places the viewfinder near her left eye, automatically closing her other eye. she tries to find a picturesque scenery to capture, pointing the camera lens at every part of the place.

she points a camera at a young girl reading a book, her head down, completely unbothered, as she's too enamored at the book she's reading. wendy decides it's the perfect image to capture, since it matches the feeling she's feeling right now. the woman presses the shutter release and the image was now hers to keep.

wendy was about to take another picture until the girl looks up and she feels her throat parch at the sight.

it's sooyoung.

wendy slowly lowers her camera as if she were in a movie. she couldn't believe what she's seeing right now.

she instantly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, thinking it would make her vision clearer, and assure her that the sight she's seeing is true and not just a daydream.

wendy can see the bewilderment residing in the tall girl's chocolate doe-eyes like she couldn't believe what's in front of her.

wendy's hands start to get clammy and she feels this weird and burning feeling in her stomach that she can't quite understand.

they stared at each other.

strangers that shared memories together, something they'll ever be.

the memories started to roll like a movie and wendy can't help but watch in her seat.

summer.

wendy doesn't see summer the same way anymore.

she used to love it. she used to love how the sun would always be there to greet her every morning. loved how it never rained. loved how the summer can never give her gloomy days.

but now...

it became a painful reminder of what she had found and lost at that same exact season.

you see, she met an unforgettable girl in that one unforgettable hazy summer. this said girl was made up of vogue magazines, retro vinyls, and branded clothing. a beautiful and exquisite mix.

joy is that girl you'd unexpectedly get home to one summer, when you wanted to get away from the loud and busy life in the metropolis. she'll make you experience bliss and will let you forget about every dystopia. but in the end, she's bound to break your heart too.

this girl was and will always be out of wendy's reach, but somehow she almost had her.

_almost._

and most _almosts_ are never a good thing.

wendy doesn't understand why she had to fall for someone like her.

* * *

the first year of college ended.

wendy arrives at her childhood house in gyeonggi-do; a large backpack hanging on her shoulder, a small suitcase clutched on her left hand, and a small shopping bag wringing on her right hand that consists of gifts for her mother. she's certainly excited, that's for sure.

she missed the tranquility and peacefulness her home offered her, she couldn't find anything like this in the city.

she lets go of her suitcase and knocks on the old mahogany door that doesn't seem to cripple over the years. the door opens after a short while and wendy smiles at the sight of her mother.

wendy tackled the woman in a bone-crushing hug, nuzzling the crook of her mother's neck.

"i missed you." the middle-aged woman mutters, kissing the side of her daughter's head.

wendy steps inside the house, pulling her suitcase with her. she went upstairs to her old room, her mother helping her with her things in the process. once they arrived, wendy immediately plopped on her bed that surprisingly still smells like her, absent-mindedly dropping her things on the floor.

her mother smiles at the sight. she really did miss seeing her daughter like this.

wendy sits up, remembering the gift she bought. "i bought something for you." she smiles standing up from her bed, walking toward the dropped gift bag on the floor, picking it up and cheekily giving it to her mother.

"a little something that i wish my absence could make up." she sheepishly chirps. her mother softens, giving her daughter a sweet kiss on the cheek.

"enjoy your vacation here, dear." the woman tells her. she hugs wendy one more time and exits her daughter's room.

wendy opens the blinds, the sunlight bringing light to her once dim room. wendy releases a contented sigh and smiles at the view on her window.

she is truly happy to be back home.

* * *

wendy and joy dated once before (if you can call it that, even).

wendy meets joy in her favorite cafe. wendy's first impression of joy was that she looked like a complete goddess and wendy thought, "I want her."

so, she sauntered up to joy with all the confidence she has and with a purpose and tells her, "how come i haven't seen you before?"

joy looks up from the book she's reading. she smiles at this short but beautiful person before her, her eyes turning into crescent arcs at the sight, and decided to play along.

"maybe you weren't just looking." joy replies back haughtily, casually shrugging her shoulders.

she raised her chin a little, a brow arched at wendy. she tries to act as bitchy and as intimidating as she can, but the smile she was fighting from shaping on her face ruins the image she's trying to act out. she just finds the shorter girl really cute trying to act all confident when in reality she's just flustered.

wendy suddenly felt a lot smaller than she already is when the mysterious gorgeous girl replied with an attitude of an actual queen that truly knows her worth.

"n-no, I mean... i've lived here my whole life and I never really saw you. and it was just last year since I've moved to hongdae." wendy rambles nervously, her confident facade completely breaking down. she curses at herself for being embarrassing in front of this beauty.

"what do you even want anyway?" joy asks, putting her book down, her attention solely glued at wendy.

"I-I... uh-" wendy prolongs, thinking of a rational thought but it seems like her brain can't properly function for now.

"you're really beautiful." wendy unintentionally blurted out and joy couldn't help but laugh. wendy curses at herself once again.

"i know," joy cockily says making wendy blush more.

"uhm... can i take you out on a date?" wendy meekly chirps.

joy purses her lips and comically rubs her chin and thinks.

wendy patiently waits for an answer.

joy clicks her tongue and wendy crosses her fingers behind her back, hoping she'd say yes.

"let's put a little thrill in it." joy grins mischievously. "i won't tell you my name or anything about me. i want you to find me. if you successfully find me i'll go on a date with you immediately."

wendy was dumbfounded. She really wants me to struggle.

"you promise?" wendy asks. joy chuckles at her, finding her voice like a child asking their mother for a pinky promise.

"i promise."

"okay" wendy defeatedly sighs.

joy smirks. the goddess stands up from her seat and leans closer to wendy's ear.

"find me cause i'll never find you." she tells her and kisses wendy's cheeks goodbye.

wendy was utterly starstruck.

she's willing to find this girl in every corner of korea if that's what she has to do to see her once again.

* * *

it's been three weeks since wendy had seen the model-like girl.

she's been trying to find her in every place in gyeonggi-do but unfortunately, she always ended up with nothing. not even a minuscule of a fragment of the girl.

she doesn't want to admit it but she's kinda losing hope.

wendy thought she must've been good at playing hide and seek when she was a child.

yeri, her childhood friend, literally had to drag her to come with her to a nearby club. wendy kept protesting at first but she had enough of yeri's pestering so there was no choice but to give up, and it wouldn't hurt to loosen up a little bit. and maybe it could help her move on from the goddess she couldn't seek.

she was going to give up on finding her until she absent-mindedly finds her, wild and uninhibited in her black dress at the club yeri took her.

she made a mental note to thank yeri later on.

wendy finds herself smiling from ear to ear as she watches the girl be one with the booming music. the universe might be in her side after all. with a victorious grin on her face, she immediately ambled toward the goddess, afraid that she might lose her again.

wendy puts her hands on the girl's waist and tells her, "found you." and the latter smiles as she hears that familiar voice.

the tall girl slowly but surely turns to her, that tipsy smile on her face and that fierce and playful glint residing in her eyes, and that's when wendy knew she's six feet under with this beauty in front of her.

"joy." the latter whispers in her ear. making the hairs on her nape stand up, her spine shivers, and goosebumps appear on her skin.

"huh?" wendy foolishly asks.

"that's my name."

"wendy."

and at that moment, the dream begins and wendy wants nothing more than to sleep if it means joy could be hers.

joy was a ripple until she became a wave

joy was something until she became everything.

* * *

indecisive college students playing mature in joy's parents' bedroom all summer. joy's parents were never home and the girl never minded because she and wendy ruled the world, they transcribed their own world.

skinny dipping in joy's huge pool at their backyard in the night, the moonlight was the only thing that illuminated their bodies.

wendy watched joy peel her shirt off in the chlorinated water. there was lust in wendy's eyes, but she watched her mostly with admiration, respect, and wonder.

joy sees the girl's gaze, and it was the first time she saw someone look at her with stardust in their eyes.

she slowly swam closer to wendy, a sheepish smile on her face. wendy wrapped her arms around joy's naked waist while joy does the same on wendy's neck. the taller girl nuzzles the crook of the wendy's neck, reveling in her scent that makes her crazy.

slowly withdrawing her head, she sees the same unwavering marveled gaze of wendy as she stares at her.

"y-you're really beautiful..." wendy blurts out, her voice is faint, completely enamored at joy's glory that words don't form in her mouth.

joy threw her head back and laughed, "I know." she cockily said, flipping her hair and accidentally hitting wendy on the face.

and they laughed and laughed, beaming smiles and all.

the laughter died down but the smiles on their faces seemed permanent, and they didn't know who leaned in first but they could care less as they kissed each other with desire and passion.

it was a complete riot but wendy wouldn't have it any other way.

they bit into each other like forbidden fruit, too intoxicated by the taste that it should be considered illegal. all they ever knew was that they want each other and nothing else.

that summer was enchanting, spellbound by one another. it was enchanting because it was with joy.

joy was so carefree and uninhibited. she was barely covered in clothes and wendy was the only one who could touch her porcelain bare skin.

it was a whole damn zoo in her stomach.

* * *

wendy's mom went somewhere and she'd be gone for two days, and wendy and joy didn't have anything better to do so they ended up in wendy's humble abode.

they sauntered in her room, a bottle of wine in joy's hand that she stole from her father's wine cabinet. they sat down on wendy's bed, giggling teenagers without a care in the world, wendy opened the bottle of merlot for joy, the taller girl taking a big swig.

they already emptied the bottle, and joy's a giggling adorable mess, she's such a lightweight compared to wendy.

wendy's intoxicated by the beauty in front of her, the alcohol not affecting her in the slightest.

"i like your house. not too big, and not too small. just enough." joy says, resting her head on wendy's shoulder, peppering it with small and sweet kisses. "my house is too lonely."

"then i'll always be there so you won't be alone. i hate seeing you sad." wendy kisses the side of her head, letting her lips linger there for a couple of seconds before pulling away.

"kind of ironic that your name's joy when you always seem sad." wendy mumbles, idly tracing random shapes on joy's skin.

"my real name's sooyoung." she hears the girl whisper. "but i stopped using it and called myself joy."

"why?"

"i thought it'd be different this time. i picked the name joy because i wanted a fresh and blissful start once again. but the world still feels lonely and sad, you know."

wendy quietly nods.

"what's wrong with the name 'sooyoung'?" wendy questions curiously.

"sooyoung feels so vulnerable. and i never liked that feeling."

"can i call you sooyoung?" wendy asks timidly, her voice wavering.

"why?"

"i-i dunno...." wendy pauses, biting the inside of her cheek. "perhaps, because it's you. the joy persona is cool... and really hot," wendy blushes and joy laughs at that. "but i want to know all of you. like i want to see every side of sooyoung, not just the joy part."

joy cuddles more into wendy, wanting to feel the warmth of the girl's skin more.

"i'm really glad you found me," She hears joy mumble. she can feel the smile on joy's face on her skin.

"it was a struggle, that's for sure, but i was really willing to do it anyway. i wouldn't mind searching for you in every corner of korea." she says, lovingly caressing the girl's hair.

joy withdraws her head to stare at wendy, admiring every inch of the girl's face. wendy's the only person to tell her these kinds of things.

"you're my dream girl, you know?" wendy tells her.

joy has a love and hate relationship with the stardust that resides in wendy's eyes. she loves it because it's genuine, and it's been a while since she had something that's real, real admiration instead of overflowing lust. And she hates it because... one day she might leave and it would hurt knowing that admiration in her eyes would turn into hatred.

joy was never the one to stay.

wendy stands up from her position and took out her polaroid camera. "sooyoung," she calls.

the other girl was scrolling through her phone, when she heard wendy's voice call out for her she instantly turned her head and the flash blinded her vision.

the picture slowly printed out. wendy takes it and waited for a couple of seconds for the image to be clear. "beautiful," joy hears wendy utter, looking at the picture of her with a lovesick smile. 

joy was looking at the camera without the faintest idea that wendy would capture her image. wendy couldn't tell if it's the reflection of joy's eyes or if it's the sun peeking through the blinds that sets a rainbow upon her face. wendy wonders how she can own so much light.

wendy taped the picture on her mirror, a beautiful and memorable reminder of summer.

and joy pulls her back onto the mattress and starts kissing her.

it was sweet. everything was sweet.

but not for long until everything became bitter.

* * *

joy had been loyal, wendy couldn't deny that. joy was accounted for every hickey on her body and wendy's name was the only name that escaped joy's lips in pleasure. they were in wonderland, a fairytale of some sort.

but then summer ended and it was time for wendy to go back to hongdae for college. they promised each other that they'd keep intact, and they did, but it didn't really last long.

joy could not, would not, pick up wendy's calls. could not, would not, facetime her. could not, would not, answer her texts and even her e-mails. because of excuses, excuses, and more fucking excuses.

now empty words and empty promises took up too many spaces that there was no room for whatever feelings they had.

at least for joy that is, wendy is still six feet under.

* * *

wendy comes back to gyeonggi-do again on her semester break.

and she founds joy in a bookstore. she was busy picking out and reading books that interested her that she didn't notice wendy at all.

wendy had walked up behind her, contemplating furiously if she should snake her arms on the girl's waist. wendy hates how she's unsure, it shouldn't be this way because they already explored each other.

"hey you," wendy said, and joy turns at that very familiar voice.

"hey," joy said, and everything seemed fine for a moment.

they both exited the bookstore. joy ends up not buying anything and continues to follow wendy in her favorite cafe where they first met. they ordered their drinks and settled on a booth, silence draped around them the only sound was their breathing and the faint slurps of their drink.

"wendy... i hope this gives you some closure." joy says.

wendy slowly lifts her eyes up from her coffee to look at her. eyebrows contorted, jaw slack, mind blank, and the taste of bile crawling in her throat. "what do you mean, sooyoung?"

joy feels her heart clench at the sound of her real name that came out of wendy's lips.

"we had so much fun. i had so much fun with you. you made me feel alive, but it's time to wake up, wendy." joy's voice is apologetic.

"so, this was all a dream then." wendy says, the taste of bile in every syllable, anger curdling inside her. the memory of their summer is starting to get buried in the snow and wendy hates it because it feels so cold, so damn cold.

joy, "it's called a dream girl for a reason."

"sooyoung," wendy says, almost pleading.

joy releases a heavy breath.

she leans toward wendy, placing her hand under the girl's chin and tilted her face towards her. joy kisses her, soft and gentle, and it's sweet because wendy could taste the same strawberry-flavored chapstick on her lips.

but it also tasted so sour, too sour for wendy's liking. "thank you for everything. i'm really glad you found me." and wendy felt rotten for weeks when joy stood up and left her.

they had a fling, but wendy really believed they were each others.

somewhere in the kisses they stole and the beaming smiles they shared, wendy lost sight of what they were meant from the beginning: nothing.

* * *

joy was loyal until she wanted something and she lets go easily.

and wendy envied her. because it's something she could never do.

wendy tries to wake up, she really did. she already took down the stolen picture of joy she took that one summer afternoon. but she never really had the heart to throw it out so she tucked it underneath her bed, wistful and ashamed. ashamed that she still can't throw her out of her life, ashamed that she still can't outgrow her.

wendy thinks she didn’t have the right to be hurt, but she does, she does have the right to hurt. maybe it’s her fault because she asked for honesty but joy lied to her anyway.

she's everyone's dream girl.

too good to be true.

* * *

joy didn't have the characteristics of summer, certainly not a spring day, she lacked the virtue of spring, she wasn't either winter or fall. she was the thunder in a storm, making you flinch at the slightest touch, she's a bolt of lightning that causes wildfires.

you'd never confuse her for something delicate and gentle like a butterfly. she's more fangs and claws like a lioness in the wild.

she was spark and combustion. a high throttled creature.

she wasn't tamed.

she was uninhibited.

she was a free-spirit.

but wendy didn't mind.

she made wendy feel everything all at once. and it was overwhelming but she loved every bit of it. but when everything is done, there were only relics of what once was in the wind from a time when fire became them until they burned into ashes.

joy painted wendy a picture who she will never be.

* * *

the memory of summer became a distant echo in wendy's mind. the memory of joy sounded like the radio in the background, her only purpose is just to emit the silence, but wendy still hums to the song for some reason.

wendy met someone else. her name was joohyun and she was amazing, in bed and in general.

they quickly hit it off at a party that someone from their batch threw. there were no awkward phases. no forced laughs, fake smiles, no cringe-worthy pickup lines or anything, they just got along pretty well, it was like some sort of connection.

and they both ended up in joohyun's dorm and wendy wakes up the next morning only covered by the duvet. She didn't think of joy, refused to think of joy.

and it happened again and again and again until wendy could memorize every detail in joohyun's room.

it was amazing, the feeling and experience that is, but they never went further than that. both wanted nothing from each other aside from the fun they have. then they stopped doing whatever they're doing because joohyun says "wendy, you should find someone remarkable, ya know. You deserve that." and wendy thinks for a second and says "yeah, you're right." 

and that was that.

joohyun was fun but wendy's memories with her were nothing iridescent.

they became friends, though, both deciding that they were better that way. joohyun knows about the whole joy fiasco. wendy told her about that memory of summer and how it was so magical and so dream-like, and joohyun listened attentively, she really listened, she didn't made wendy feel like she was just background noise, she even gave relevant comments that wendy finds helpful.

joohyun is like a joy-anti for wendy's love life, she even said "that girl is a big no-no." while her forearms are shaped like a big X with an aggressive shake of her head.

and wendy just laughs at her, because she has nothing to say, she still wants joy but she knows it's like wanting poison in your drink. she wanted her so much, she doesn't know why she wanted her so much.

there was a time where wendy thought she might be in love. she made an oath to forget about that thought.

* * *

and just like what everyone else says promises were meant to be broken.

the girl from summer was becoming a whisper until she goes to this newly opened bar near her university because she was bored and got nothing better to do, and then joy was there, still looking like the complete goddess that she is, still making wendy's heart pound as if there was no tomorrow, then the memory of her started to boom in her ears, hearing every unnoticed beat she didn't heard before.

and it felt like water down on a parched throat. scorching, and scorching then suddenly a breeze.

wendy just stood there, unable to move her limbs and just get the fuck out of this place before joy notices her. her brain short-circuited and the gears weren't working.

joy felt wendy's tentative stare and her head turns to the girls direction then their eyes met once again.

wendy was not supposed to feel the butterflies anymore.

joy walks up to her with that same captivating and mischievous smile on her face. wendy felt her legs getting weak.

"sooyoung," wendy tries to sound even but the shake in her voice completely disregarded what she was aiming for.

"hey, wendy." joy replies, she sounded coy, and wendy found it weird because she was always so damn confident. "long time no see. It's been a while"

"isn't that what you wanted?" wendy can't help the bite in her voice.

joy was caught off guard, wendy saw how joy's eyes became crestfallen and her smile deflated. "I'm sorry..."

"no, no, it's fine." wendy mumbled an apology, sometimes she hates it when she couldn't just zip her mouth. "i can't control what you feel, ya know. but i never wanted that to happen, i didn't want to let go of what we had... but it was your choice and i had to just accept." she rambles like a love-sick fool, and maybe she is, she'll always be. 

"can we take a seat? and talk it out?" joy asks, her voice is too soft.

wendy finds herself following joy to her table and sitting across from her.

"what's there to talk about, though? It's been a year since we ended. It doesn't matter anymore." but it still mattered to her, it mattered to her so much because she fell in love.

_fell in love? what?_ wendy shakes the thought once again.

"does it really not matter anymore?" joy fumbles, there was a crack in her voice. "i mean it still does matter to me..." joy's voice was quiet. but despite the loud booming music that circles around the place, wendy still heard joy, she still heard her nevertheless. and the heavy bass doesn't help because she can feel and hear how hard her heart is pounding.

"sooyoung, what do you want?" wendy asks flatly, she's just tired honestly, joy's not supposed to do this, she's not supposed to give wendy hope that she felt that same pang in her chest when she decided to end whatever they had.

wendy wanting nothing more than just to get home. "i thought we ended this with the closure bullshit."

"i don't know... kinda missed you, that's all." joy sighs. "just in case my number's still the same."

before wendy could even reply joy kisses her on the cheek and left. leaving the latter in a hazy daze that she's too familiar with.

* * *

wendy stares at her phone, contemplating deeply.

she's been staring at her contact name for almost ten minutes.

she didn't want to call her.

she hated the neediness of it all, she hated that there's a part of her (a huge part of her) that's still desperate to reach out, the admittance that a year later she's still hang up on the girl that ghosted her makes her stomach churn.

she still called her.

they met at the same bar where they crossed paths. wendy sees her sitting alone on a booth, clearly waiting for her, even saw her rejecting a few guys, and she hates to admit it but it makes her smile. the thought of her being joy's only one plays with her heartstrings. when her consciousness hits her she immediately shakes that thought away.

she walks toward the girl as if she's on thin ice, timid, careful, and hesitant. joy sees her, and the smile on her face was so beautiful that wendy's pretty sure it would stay in her mind for days.

"you're here." joy engulfs her in a hug.

"yeah," wendy releases an even breath. she hesitates for a moment to reciprocate the hug, her hand hovering on joy's waist, but she let herself cave in and hugged her closer.

"my place?" joy asks and wendy just nods.

joy smiles, dragging her a little too excitedly. without much effort she pulls her back in that hazy dream once again.

wendy's in love. she could finally admit it with her whole being.

once they're in joy's apartment, joy quickly drags her into her room. wendy got to analyze the girl's room for a quick moment, and it really looks like her.

joy pulls her in for a kiss, wrapping her arms around the the girl's neck and further deepening the kiss, inhaling her in. they slipped perfectly together, like a missing puzzle piece that finally found its way home.

wendy forgot how much she ached for her.

joy's the mistake wendy will always make.

* * *

after that night, wendy wakes up and sees joy sitting at the foot of the bed. her body was raw and beautiful, and wendy can't help but revel her scent that is laced on the soft sheets. she's holding something wendy can't quite perceive.

and wendy's heart hastily stopped when she realized what joy was holding. joy felt her gaze and stares at her in the eye, a pliable smile on her face.

"i didn't know you still have this. after all this time." hoy utters, holding up the polaroid picture wendy took of her that one summer day. she looked like sunrise, making wendy's brain slow down and making her feel dizzy.

"i did?" she chirps out, it was more of a question than intended. "i kind of forgot i kept it in my phone case for quite a while.

"why, though? why'd you keep it?"

"because... it's you." wendy says like it explains everything.

or maybe because it did.

joy kept smiling and wendy couldn't look away.

wendy knew joy was a dream, but that glimmer in her eyes when she looks at her, and the way the sunlight softens her eyes makes wendy believe that she was the truth.

* * *

"i went to your dorm yesterday. and you weren't there." yeri yapped at her childhood friend who didn't pay her any attention. wendy's mind is still a mess and she's not in the mood to hear yeri's pestering.

wendy, yeri, and joohyun were seated comfortably in a fast-food chain. the three decided to go to the mall today since it's been a while since they'd got to hang out all together again, their finals just ended a few days ago.

both yeri and joohyun squinted their eyes suspiciously at wendy while they munched on their fries in sync.

and honestly, there's no reason to lie. "joy-" before wendy could finish her sentence yeri throws a fry at her the second she hears her name.

"hey!" wendy glares at yeri while the latter could only roll her eyes.

"let me explain-" another fry flies to her face, this time joohyun's the one who flings it.

"hyun what the-" another fry.

"what the fuck?!" and another fry.

"can you guys stop that!" wendy snarls at the two of her friends and took away their fries.

"what did I tell you?" joohyun asks with a menacing look.

"that i deserve something remarkable." wendy recites like the good student she is, looking down at the sight of her unfinished food, afraid to meet joohyun's eyes.

"and you think joy is _that_? after what she'd done to you." the younger girl seethes, crossing her arms on her chest with complete authority.

wendy didn't reply.

yeri leans in closer and smacks wendy on the head.

wendy wishes it could knock some sense to her.

* * *

wendy goes to their university's library to find a book about love. searching and scanning a book about the feeling people gush about, wanting to know if this is what she really feels. her fingers gracing the spine of the books softly, her eyes roaming at the oh-so-many literatures about it.

she finds a certain book that interests her, quickly taking a seat in the empty chairs. attentive eyes graced the texts, mind open about the new knowledge this book would offer her about love.

"it's been a while since i saw you here." she hears a voice emitting in the background. she looks up and sees a girl she's quite familiar with, she might've seen her somewhere.

"didn't know i have a stalker." wendy offers a light chuckle.

"i'm anything but a stalker, darling." the girl's voice sounded like honey, she takes a sit across from wendy.

"aren't you that art major?" wendy asks, a sudden memory of the girl flashed in her mind.

she nods, "yeah, the name's park chaeyoung."

"yeah, I remember you now, you're one of those talented art kids. you're the one who painted one of the famous murals here in school right?" wendy says, the sense of familiarity making her feel at ease.

"yep, that was me." chaeyoung answers slyly, a lopsided smile on her face.

"that's honestly one of my favorites about this school." wendy tells her and a pinkish hue starts to appear on the taller girl's cheeks.

"anyway, the name's wendy."

"yeah, I know. how could i not? people always talk about you."

"they do? i didn't know that." wendy kind of forgets about the book she's reading. she's too engrossed at this conversation she's having with chaeyoung.

"yeah, they always gush about your singing, but sometimes your washboard-like abs too. it's mostly the girls that talk about that though," chaeyoung tells her, and wendy blushes at the words.

"my what?" wendy questions, utterly confused on what to feel about the information. "…my abs?" she shyly continues, her voice lowers at the words.

"yeah," chaeyoung casually nods. "especially when you wear crop tops. you don't how much they talk about it. it's honestly sickening to hear people gush about it."

"didn't know you're a heartthrob." she teases, giggling at the latter's reaction.

wendy shyly hides her face in the book. she could still hear chaeyoung's soft giggles, and honestly, it sounds beautiful. "i'm not a heartthrob, just a person with a throbbing heart." she playfully replies with a shrug of her shoulders.

"hah-hah very witty." the other girl yapped mockingly making wendy roll her eyes light-heartedly. "anyway, what are you reading?" chaeyoung asks, leaning in closer to see a glimpse of the book.

wendy quickly pulls it toward her, "uh... nothing."

"it's not nothing when you hide it like that." chaeyoung counters.

wendy sighs defeatedly, "it's a book about love," she admits, hiding her face in her hands, too embarrassed to face the girl across from her.

"not to be cheesy or anything. but I just wanted to know how others describe it, so i would know if what i'm feeling is correct."

"so, who's the person?" chaeyoung asks.

"maybe i'll tell you some other time." wendy replies, giving the girl a small smile.

* * *

and after that night with joy, it became like summer again, but not really. not like the way it used to feel.

they still slept with each other, wendy going to joy's apartment secretly (even though yeri's completely aware of that fact, but she just kept quiet wanting wendy to learn in her own), kissing each other like it was the first time, and bodies fitting perfectly like they haven't known distance.

but as soon as wendy wakes up that sweet reverie is gone and they're back to being strangers. wendy would always roll to an empty bed and a post-it note on joy's drawer saying she has classes to attend to. and wendy would return home, get dressed, go to school, and hang out with yeri and joohyun as if nothing happened.

she still goes to the library to continue reading the book, she doesn't want to borrow it and take it home, afraid that yeri might find it when she goes to her dorm every saturday to have their movie night. and chaeyoung's there every time she visits the library to read, they would tease each other and talk about other things they find interesting, and honestly, wendy's growing fond of the girl and would love to continue this blooming friendship they have.

that night wendy sneaks inside joy's apartment building, knocking softly on her door and once joy opens it, she quickly snatches the girl inside and kisses her until every bit of oxygen in her lungs dissipated.

they were stuck in a passionate haze, wendy's already sliding up her hands inside joy's shirt but then quickly withdraws it when a thought occurred in her head.

"what's wrong?" joy asks worriedly, holding on to wendy a little too tight.

"nothing, i-i... can we not like, sleep with each other with no string attached for tonight? i just want to reminisce what we used to do. you know, where we just fall asleep with clothes on while we cuddle for the rest of the night." wendy shyly shrugs, a reddish hue emitting from her face.

joy smiles at that, "I'd love to."

joy's a dream and a nightmare. sometimes wendy couldn't tell the difference.

* * *

"hey, heartthrob what's up!" chaeyoung greets wendy, the nickname naturally rolling off her tongue. she's wearing a teasing smile on her face as she takes a seat in front of the girl.

wendy only looks up at her, barely giving her a glance as if chaeyoung was invisible. her eyes were crestfallen, then her gaze quickly returned to the book. chaeyoung can tell she's been crying.

"you okay there, ms. heartthrob?" chaeyoung asks, looking at the latter with concern, carefully nudging the girl.

"not really, chae." wendy replies, her voice almost lifeless. "do you know the girl I've been seing that you kept bugging me about?"

"yeah, you still haven't told me about her." the latter replies, her gaze never wavering.

"well, it feels like she's breaking my heart all over again." wendy tells her, closing the book and putting it down. she doesn't want to read about love anymore, the description inside about the book didn't fit her, love wasn't supposed to hurt this much.

"What do you mean, again?"

"well," wendy heaves out a sigh, remembering that distant memory of summer. "i met a girl last summer."

chaeyoung nods attentively, prompting her to continue.

"and... she felt like a dream. she's literally a dream. then when summer ended we just stopped, I didn't want to, but she just disappeared. i never wanted to wake up from that hazy dream."

wendy continues to tell her the whole story and chaeyoung felt nothing but sympathy for the girl. her heart breaks for wendy.

"then we met. again." wendy pauses, and chaeyoung could tell that this is a very sensitive topic to wendy, like a fresh and raw wound engraved in her heart.

"and suddenly it felt like summer again. i don't know what the hell we are. we don't talk about it, you know? we just let it happen and leave it at that." chaeyoung could hear the faint crack in her voice.

"i know there aren't no strings attached but... i feel like there is."

"maybe for you there is, but what about her?" chaeyoung quizzes and a shrug is the only reply wendy could give.

you see, it's only been three weeks since she talked to wendy but what she feels for her already felt like she had known her since then. All the joking, the teasing, opening up but not too much, and sharing of stories came so naturally.

she knew the girl even before their first conversation. she had always seen her waste time in the library, reading books mostly about music or science. she knew wendy as the girl from the library before she even knew her as the talented singer in the campus. her friends usually talk about her talent, and maybe sometimes her looks too. and getting glimpses of her at the library confirmed that wendy really is a beauty, from the outside and the inside.

her small crush developed overtime whenever she sees her at the library. she didn't knew where her confident came from when she talked to wendy for the first time, but she was glad she did because they already seem like friends now. and chaeyoung wants to know where this would lead.

chaeyoung's looking at wendy because joy, the person wendy feels so deeply for, did her wrong.

but chaeyoung's staring at her like she's something she has ever known.

she's talking, her voice still woeful, but enchanting nevertheless.

chaeyoung’s gotten good at listening rather than hearing a melody.

"letting you go the first time was probably the most dumbest thing she did." chaeyoung light-heartedly nudges wendy, a small giggle coming from the latter's mouth. "and if she hurts you again i'll bang her on the head."

wendy smiles and chaeyoung's glad.

the sun sets withing her alight, and it's warm, and it should always feel like this.

chaeyoung tucks her anger at this joy girl, so wendy can't see remnants of her, and hurt her in the process.

"maybe the books are wrong." wendy looks up from the ground and stares at the blonde girl's eyes.

chaeyoung can't tell if it's the reflection in her eyes or the sunrise beaming through the glass window that makes chaeyoung's cold morning warm.

"love isn't supposed to hurt that much."

and even if wendy's blue, the reds, the oranges, the yellows, and all the warm colors chaeyoung has ever used in her paintings plays in wendy's fingertips, in her whole being. and she wonders how can she own so much light.

chaeyoung reaches for wendy's hands, weaving their fingers together like it has always meant to be that way, and she squeezes the latter's hand, a comforting squeeze that chaeyoung thinks is enough to give her some sense of comfort.

she didn't know what to say, honestly, because love is so complex and not every question has its answer, love has its own language, a lot like the universe.

for now, this is all chaeyoung could offer, someone to stick with wendy.

but she's willing to offer more.

* * *

"i don't know where i stand with joy, honestly. but i do know i feel for her, like a lot." wendy says through the phone.

_"talk to her. that's the only way to figure things out."_ chaeyoung tells her.

wendy sighs, melancholy encompassed their conversation.

"what's wrong? i'm here to listen."

"i...i just hope everything also felt real and true to her. because that is the case for me."

_"isn't that what we all deserve from love, though?"_ chaeyoung asks rhetorically _. "the truth, that is."_

"have you ever been in love before?" wendy softly questions, slowly lifting her hand to anxiously bite at her fingernails.

it's been a while since she had a conversation like this. yeri wasn't typically into these kinds of conversation, she had always thought they were cheesy. and the topic of love hadn't been brought up ever since joohyun and her stopped their fling.

_"not really. i've been with a few people before but i just knew that it wasn't them, you know..."_ chaeyoung replies _. "but i must admit how unfair it is to love someone without them knowing."_

_"what about you, seungwan? have you ever been in love?"_

"maybe..." wendy tells her. her words silently hangs in the still air. "maybe i am."

"what kind of sappy shit are you saying?!" yeri shouts a few feet away from her. she's currently in wendy's dorm lazily plopped on the small couch while watching a show wendy could care less about. "and who are you talking to?"

"mind your damn business or get out of my dorm!" wendy shouts back at her, not noticing that her phone was still near her mouth.

_"damn, you really are a powerhouse vocalist."_ chaeyoung playfully teases.

"Oh, shut up." wendy snorts.

* * *

wendy decides to come over to joy's place, forgetting to call her and inform her about it. she knows that's it's so unlike her, because wendy had always cared about manners, but she just really, _really_ wanted to talk to her that it's the only thing that encompassed her mind and she can't think about anything else.

she knocks on joy's door three times and waited for an answer. her answer came after a few seconds of waiting. the door opens and it reveals joy in all her glory; messy hair, no trace of make-up on her face, and she's just in her sweatpants and her spaghetti strap shirt but wendy still finds her so beautiful, so enticing nevertheless.

joy smiles at the sight of her, stepping aside and ushering for wendy to come in.

"you didn't tell me you're coming," joy snorts. "at least I could've prepared myself to look presentable."

"hey," wendy quietly calls her, a small smile finding its way on her lips. "i had always found you pretty no matter what."

joy shyly smiles at that.

"i came here to talk." wendy says bluntly, sick of beating around the bush.

"about what?"

"us."

"us?" joy whispers, a secret in the dead of the night.

"yeah." wendy says, her voice getting more firm and steeled. "what are we?"

joy looks taken aback. "i-i don't know... we don't talk about it."

"that's why i came here. i want us to make things clearer." wendy tells her almost bitterly. "because if you can't tell... i think i'm in love with you, sooyoung." wendy whispers the last words. still afraid to spit those words out. Afraid that if she pulls it out from the shadows it'll be real and true.

perhaps it already is.

"what?" joy fumbled. "seungwan... are you sure?"

"I know myself enough, sooyoung..." wendy tells her.

"I think you shouldn't have, wendy..." joy tells her sadly.

Even if joy's room is dim enough, wendy could still see the bruise on her neck. "sooyoung, what's that on your neck? i damn well know I didn't do that."

"it's nothing." joy shakes her head, her eyes staring at the floor. she decided to fix the mess on her sofa and coffee table, picking up the couple of trash laying around. She needed to do something to distract her from all of this.

"im not dumb, sooyoung. It’s not nothing when you hide it like that." wendy tells her, there's a bite in her voice that scares joy somehow.

"sooyoung... just tell me your truth. at least I deserve that, right?!" joy feels her fist getting tight, the pressure in wendy's word makes her want to riot.

"is there someone else?"

"sooyoung. answer me." that was the last straw.

she hastily turns around to face wendy. "there's no one else, alright! my friends and i went out last night and I got drunk way too much and I ended up on someone else's bed. it was just for one night."

"it's so easy for you to fool around while i’m stuck here still holding on to the idea of you." wendy could feel her words getting heavy to spit out because of the weight of the tears she's preventing from falling.

"we aren't each others. i don't owe you anything." joy snarls.

now that hit a nerve. wendy could feel her heart hammering intensely in her chest.

"you could've at least told me what you felt instead of you letting me think I was the only one." wendy counters. "what do you really feel, sooyoung? just fucking tell me!"

"i don't know what i feel, okay?! all i know is that you make me feel things that i shouldn't." joy walks out of wendy's sight, wanting to get a glass of water hoping it would help her cool off.

"what do you even mean?" wendy asks her, her brows contorting in frustration, following joy like a dog on a leash. "stop blurring the lines for once, sooyoung!"

"for fuck's sake," joy sighs irritatingly. "stop calling me sooyoung" she almost screams, seething with rage.

"why not? I've always called you that."

"that's why!" joy yells. "you make me feel like sooyoung, and I never wanted to feel like her again. she's too vulnerable, kind, and has a soft heart. and people had hurt that part of me enough. joy is different, she's the complete opposite of who I was before."

wendy couldn't move at the spot she's currently at.

"being with you felt so different. i felt so different. it felt so intense, and that fucking scares me." joy spat, her eyes glistening, and even if the atmosphere around them is full of rage wendy could still see the stars in her eyes. “but things will never be the same again.” She says. “no matter how hard i try to look at you in a different way.”

"I just wish you never found me in the first place!"

Something in wendy snapped as she hears those words. her face went blank and she became eerily calm.

"if that's what you want," wendy said slowly, the words prickling her. "then I'll leave. I'll let you go."

those were the last words joy heard from her.

perhaps it was meant to be.

the way they fell apart and burned out.

maybe the telltales are true, nothing good lasts forever. and they were certainly no exception.

* * *

at the same night, wendy calls joohyun about what happened.

the call ended and after 30 minutes someone knocked on the door of her dorm and it reveals joohyun, standing in her pajamas and holding ramen in her hands. wendy lets her in with a thankful smile on her face.

they finished eating, the ramen offering a warmth wendy needed right now. now they're seated at wendy's small yellow couch, joohyun all snuggled up on her.

"you know," joohyun starts, resting her head on wendy's shoulder. "i really wanted to end up with you..." joohyun whispers. her voice is soft and quiet that wendy almost didn't heard it.

"i was always excited to be fooling around with you, not because of the sex," wendy snorts at that making joohyun pause for a moment to laugh with her. "i mean, it was great, but i do love cuddling with you after it though. that was my favorite part of it all."

"why didn't you tell me about this earlier?" wendy curiously asks. softly massaging joohyun's scalp making the girl more drowsy.

"i was scared. feelings are really scary you know."joohyun admits.

"and at that time," joohyun continues and wendy listens. "i know you're still not over joy. and i didn't want to be a bandaid for your broken heart. that's why i decided to stop what we were doing because i didn't want to be the one that felt more between us."

"sorry for being so hard to love." wendy whispers.

"you're not hard to love, seungwan. It's actually so easy to love you." joohyun tells her. "the hard thing was refraining myself to love you wholly."

"maybe that's how joy felt too." joohyun yawns.

There was a pregnant pause. And before wendy could reply joohyun's soft snore filled the silence.

* * *

"you look impeccably sad today." chaeyoung says to her. they just got out of the library, they're walking side by side to get to their respective class.

"i talked with joy the other day. it didn't went well." wendy explains thoroughly.

chaeyoung stares at her with sad and sympathetic eyes. she wishes she could wipe that sad frown on the girl's face.

"well," chaeyoung clicks her tongue, thinking of ways that could cheer up wendy. "you bake right?"

"yeah, i do. why?"

"i'll come to your place after class and let's bake something and eat it afterwards. i usually eat sweets when i'm sad." chaeyoung tells her, smiles and all.

"i mean-" before wendy could finish what she's going to say the latter cuts her off.

"it's settled then." chaeyoung seals it off with a quick hug that startled wendy.

"well, okay then..." wendy mumbles as she watches chaeyoung ran off to her class. a small smile paints on her face.

* * *

"...why does it taste salty?" wendy asks. licking off a small amount of dough on her finger.

"huh? really?" chaeyoung wipes of an excess dough on the mixer and tastes it for herself. and it does taste salty, very far from the supposed taste of a brownie.

wendy slowly turns to the taller girl, a brow arched at chaeyoung. "what was the color of the lid of the jar you took?"

"uh, the blue one..." chaeyoung squeaks.

"i knew it," instead of snapping at chaeyoung wendy laughs it off. chaeyoung looks at her with a worried and puzzled face. "you took the wrong jar. you picked the salt."

"oh..."

"it's okay," wendy waves it off. "let's still bake this, i'll give it to yeri."

"i thought you're an angel." chaeyoung chuckles, her nose scrunching in the process. "you're a devil after all."

wendy finds her eye smile really pretty and adorable. "yeri's a demon too. i'm just being fair."

"mayhaps justice is served then." chaeyoung playfully nudges wendy before she trails off to get the right jar this time.

wendy shakes her head light-heartedly at chaeyoung. the thought of joy didn't pass through her mind surprisingly.

* * *

yeri and joohyun stands outside of wendy's apartment for almost 10 minutes now. yeri kept knocking but no one was answering despite the loud music and laughter coming from the inside.

"okay, i'm going to bust in now. like the fucking fbi!" yeri grumbles, already giving up after knocking for the umpteenth time.

"can't we just wait for wendy to answer?" joohyun suggests flatly but yeri only gave her a side-eye.

"nah, i've had enough." yeri replies, shoving her purse for joohyun to hold. "hold this, i'll just open the lock." yeri says, fishing out a key from her wallet.

"you have wendy's key?" joohyun questions suspiciously.

"nah, this is a copy that she doesn't know about." yeri answers. a clicking sound can be heard indicating that the door is finally unlocked.

"be gay do crimes, i guess." joohyun could only shrug.

yeri hides the key back to its place and pocketed her wallet. joohyun was about to open the door but the younger girl stopped her.

"i'll show you a proper way to open a door." yeri says while holding up her hand at joohyun. she turns to the door, slightly opening it for wendy not to notice, yeri ushers joohyun to step back a little which joohyun obliged, then yeri kicked the door open like she's in a movie.

"SEUNGWAN!" yeri shouts and busted inside while joohyun follows, completely embarrassed.

wendy and another girl were startled at the opening of the door and the loud call of wendy's name.

"why aren't you answering?!" yeri shouts, hands on her hips as she slowly walks near wendy. standing in front of her with an authoritative look. joohyun offers a small wave at her friend and wendy reciprocates it.

"i mean, we were busy?" wendy gestures at herself and chaeyoung. chaeyoung chirps out a 'hi' to yeri.

"busy what? busy sucking each other's faces?" yeri raises her eyebrows suspiciously.

"what the hell?! s-shut up." wendy stammers, a tint of red appearing on her face. "anyway, want to try the brownies we baked?" wendy offers, diverting her gaze to joohyun, dismissing yeri's questioning look.

"sure, why not?" joohyun shrugs following wendy to the kitchen counter.

wendy gave joohyun the right brownie while she gave yeri the salty one. chaeyoung gave her a knowing look, holding in her laughter.

"it's good." joohyun hums, munching on the sweet delicacy.

as soon as yeri bit into the brownie she immediately spits it out. "good?! it tastes like the ocean!"

"maybe there's something wrong with your taste buds." wendy shrugs it off with a devilish smirk on her face.

"anyway, her name's chaeyoung. she's a friend of mine." wendy finally introduces the blonde woman.

"hey." chaeyoung waves at them, smiling her charming smile.

"i know you, you're like one of the well-known students at campus." yeri blurts out, throwing the brownie in the trash can like it was an abomination. "you're too cool to hang out with wendy." she says playfully earning a smack from her friend.

“hey!” wendy glares at her childhood friend. yeri only gave her a once-over and quickly averted her attention to chaeyoung.

"i think wendy's cool." chaeyoung shrugs. wendy smiles at her words.

"by the way, the name's yeri," she took chaeyoung's hand and shakes it, which surprised the latter. "and she's joohyun." she gestures at the said woman in which joohyun offers a smile.

"nice to meet you guys," chaeyoung tells them. "by the way, sorry about not answering the door earlier. we were just playing and singing around."

suddenly wendy got curious on how they got inside. "how'd you got in anyway?"

"you have no rights to question me after letting joohyun and i stand outside for 10 minutes." yeri snaps, wendy only rolls her eyes at the girl.

after a few small talks and getting to know each other chaeyoung had to leave for she has an exam tomorrow. "i would love to stay and hang out more but i have an exam tomorrow. and you know i don't want to disappoint my mother." chaeyoung tells them. getting up from her sit and picking up her bag.

"i think i already disappointed my mother a lot of times to the point she only sighs at my failed exams." yeri voices aloud.

chaeyoung laughs at that. "i loved hanging out with all of you, hope to see you soon again." she says.

wendy stands up from her seat to walk chaeyoung to the door. "thanks, chaeyoung. today was fun." wendy says, grateful for the blonde girl.

chaeyoung offers her a bashful smile, "no prob."

yeri and joohyun gave each other a knowing stare, they gave each other a smile and appreciative nod.

"bye wendy." she bids softly before she closes the door of wendy's dorm.

she walks back to her friends who have teasing smiles now, yeri wiggling her eyebrows giving out an innuendo.

"you guys are so weird." wendy shakes her head. shoving both of her friends first before she takes her seat.

"how come you attract the tall girls?" yeri questions. "maybe that's why you and joohyun didn't end up together." yeri teases earning a smack from both girls.

* * *

the sun had already set, yeri had already said farewell leaving wendy and joohyun alone.

"i like her for you." joohyun tells her, a small smile on her face.

"huh? what do you mean?" wendy asks, cleaning up the empty plates and glasses.

joohyun helps her with the chores, "you're oblivious as ever, seungwan." she chuckles, turning on the sink to wash away the left crumbs on the plate.

"i still don't get what you're saying." wendy shrugs, quietly sweeping the floor.

"she likes you, chaeyoung i mean." joohyun tells her bluntly, so wendy doesn't have to guess anymore. "i can tell that she's a good person."

"can we not talk about those things yet? i'm still hang up on someone." wendy mumbles.

"i know that," joohyun clarifies. "i'm just saying that you don't have to look elsewhere when chaeyoung's already in front of you." wendy grumbles as a reply.

"seungwan," joohyun walks near to her friend and drags her to sit on the couch. "i know you're still hang up on joy... and take your time."

wendy looks at her but doesn't reply. "you know, i already found someone." joohyun shyly smiles, like a mere highschooler that talked with her crush.

"really?" wendy asks bewildered, but she's really happy for her.

"her name's seulgi. and she makes my heart flutter the way you used to do, but the only difference is that we feel the same toward each other." joohyun says, the topic of wendy not reciprocating her feelings weren't as sensitive anymore.

"and that's what i want for you too, wendy." joohyun tells her. "that's what i want for you too." she repeats, but this time there's more feelings to it.

* * *

almost two years had passed since that night when wendy last saw joy.

she didn't expect to see joy at the same place where she first saw her. nostalgia drapes around her the moment they locked eyes.

joy was wearing the same shirt wendy pictures her in whenever she thinks of her. her hair was slightly different now, it was longer than before and it's much lighter because of the brown hair dye but wendy can still recognize her like it was yesterday, wendy still thinks she's pretty, perhaps more beautiful, but nevertheless her visual still looks ethereal.

wendy wonders if joy could recognize her still, or perhaps she had already left her behind in the past and spared no thoughts for the person who walked away.

"...hi wendy," joy greets her and takes a sit on the empty chair across from her, her voice sounded choked up and wendy feels like she could cry at any second.

"sooyoung..." wendy replies, afraid to look her in the eyes. the awkward tension burns her skin.

"i've missed you..." joy utters.

it turns out that joy didn't forgot about her, like the way she concluded it in her head.

"i'm sorry for what happened before." joy tells her, wendy can hear the sincerity dripping from her words. "i'm sorry i was too afraid."

"it's fine, sooyoung. it's in the past now." wendy tells her. she already forgave her a long time ago.

"if it's still possible... i want to try it now, and be better than i was before."

wendy always seem to find her. but she already found someone else.

"i'm sorry, sooyoung." wendy apologizes. she feels a lump form in her throat. "i-i already have someone."

"Oh..."

there was a pause.

"if that's how it is, then can i at least say this to you?" joy asks, her eyes hoping.

wendy urges her to continue.

"i love you..." joy tells her wholeheartedly. "sorry that it was too late for me to realize." she ducks her head and swallows her guilt.

wendy offers a small broken smile. "i loved you too, sooyoung."

"you don't know how much i did..." wendy wants to start bawling. she wonders why did it have to be this way.

"wendy! i already have our orders. let's go!" she hears chaeyoung's voice call for her. "your mom's waiting."

wendy gets up from her seat. "it was nice seeing you again, sooyoung." she lastly says and trails off.

joy's gaze is glued to her leaving figure, her heart clenching at the sight but it is what is.

she feels a teardrop run down her cheek and paradoxically hopes that seungwan is much more happier.

joy wished she could have loved her sooner when she had the chance, simple as that. god, the opportunity was so close to her that it can already bite her. wendy felt like the sunrise, so pure and so good, and with only best intentions in her heart. people like that don’t come around often, or in her case people like that never came, wendy was the exception and she had the audacity to use her for her own gain. wendy made her walls crumble until it turned to the very dust, she showed her that it was okay to be weak and vulnerable but wendy still loved her for it. wendy loved her when she can’t love that part of herself.

perhaps, one day joy would tell wendy about the dream she kept having, where she and wendy were together, where wendy didn’t leave and she wasn’t terrified and numb, where things were the way they wished it could be and not the way they are.

wendy grabs chaeyoung's hand and exits her favorite cafe. she steals a glance at sooyoung through the glass window one last time and surprisingly she stares right back at her. and then the sight of sooyoung disappears and was replaced by a wall, wendy didn't realized they already passed the cafe.

joy is the dream, but chaeyoung is the truth.

but there are times when wendy sees herself wandering in that dreamland once again.

joy's her first love after all and sometimes she can't help but wish that things could've been different, that things could've been kinder.


End file.
